How to attract a Narcissistic, Borderline, Psychotic, or Chemically addicted/dependent partner

Whenever a person tells me, "The only men who ever ask me out are alcoholic/narcissistic", I always ask them to tell me what their methods of interpersonal communication are. I am constantly shocked that they are surprised. To attract an undesirable mate, follow these easy steps:
1. Send a man/woman you are interested in all the signals that you are interested (making frequent, prolonged eye contact, light touches, asking personal questions) but when he/she walks up to you to start a conversation or ask you out, send him/her signals you aren't interested (turn your body away, ignore him/her, say, "no thanks", or "I'm actually taking a break from dating right now")

 2. After doing the above, if you do give him/her your number (because secretly, honestly, you are interested) and they call,text you, don't respond at all, or if you do, wait more than 24 hrs, and then only give one word responses.

3. Don't do what you tell him/her you are going to do.

 If someone is STILL trying to pursue you at this point, congratulations, he/she is Narcissistic, Borderline, Psychotic, or Chemically addicted/dependent....because seriously?! No healthy, quality person would want you or put up with that shit! It drives me crazy when people say they are turned on by "a challenge" and those people who put up with that or act this way are more desirable.....what, like a relationship with this "challenge" is going to last? My sweet sister and her sweet husband divorced after 10 years, and they were easy sweet people. Relationships are hard enough...don't be dumb too.

Reactive Attachment Disorder: there is hope

I have worked with adolescents in several different residential settings with reactive attachment disorder: its marked by a relationship style with caregivers of "I'll reject you before you can reject me". It is formed in the child's early years in multiple different ways, one of which is having the child's caregiver meet the child's needs inconsistently. So a child on this path has learned that he cannot rely on his parent for anything, because if he does, he may get disappointed, so he stops seeking his caregiver for emotional nurturance. Anyway, a few months ago a 4 yr old boy came into the shelter where I work with beginning signs of this disorder: he never sought physical contact, even when he was in pain, or sad. When his mother came to visit him there was no outward sign that he knew who she was, was glad to see her, or sad to leave her when the visit ended. I have had a particularly difficult opening my heart to this little boy, as he rejected every effort on my part to form a bond, and he rarely did what is asked of him.
Well starting  about 10 days ago, he started randomly saying, "I wanna sit in your lap" and when he gets hurt or his feelings are sad he has started coming to me for comfort. Yesterday, for the first time, I asked him if he would come sit on my lap, and as he did, I rested my chin on his head and thought there was hope for him after all, and perhaps for me as well.

Accountability

A VITAL key for me being able to accept reality was accepting accountability for the direction my life has gone. Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life is a must for anyone who feels like a victim, or at the mercy of the vicissitudes of life. She claims that anything "wrong" in our life (illness, accidents, misfortunes, disease, addiction etc.) is caused by us, by our own subconscious thought processes. When I first read this I got ANGRY. "Why in the world would I do (blank) to myself?" But read her whole book before you put it down, and if you are still angry, let me tell you why this book is the most empowering thing I've ever learned: if I am the cause of this (blank), then I can undo it! This my friends is the most empowering pep talk any self identified victim will ever hear. But quite frankly, if you like being a victim, in believing that you are so important that the very laws of nature and god are conspiring against you, then I doubt you'll want to stop this train of thought. Have a nice day:)

Acceptance

I like to say people from an Eastern spiritual paradigm have a huge head start on most of us that were indoctrinated in the Western spiritual paradigm (praying, having faith, hoping that it will come to pass, bargaining, weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and more praying, throw in some fasting, tithing, or hail maries and you get what you want) when it comes to acceptance. Acceptance is the key to finding peace in the present moment. How long did I live my life unhappy about the way it was going, about what had happened to me or what I had done or said? And frankly, even though I have accepted (lol) acceptance as my road to peace,  I still get angry some times about "stuff". But I am very quick to identify these negative mood states, identify the thought or belief that triggered them, and get back to Loving What Is.

The bravest people in the world

The bravest people in the world (again, this is just my current opinion, open to changing) are those that have accepted the idea that they will cease to exist after death. Rather, I should amend this by saying that the bravest people in the world are those that have accepted that they are not going to exist after death and still live their lives as contributing members to society. I love reading Irv Yalom's published works and seeing how he is completely at peace with non existence and still serves his fellow man. So peaceful atheists are in this category. Another group that is in this category are believers and followers of A Course in Miracles. I must say that I spent a good deal of time with a Course study group and found that some of them, obviously not all, used the whole "this is just a dream that I'm going to wake up from whereupon I will cease to exist and join with the all encompassing love" as an excuse to not work through their baggage, or practice self improvement. But those who live it as it is intended are the bravest in the world. I was only 1/3 of the way through The Disappearance of the Universe before I put it down like it was radioactive. I myself have gone to the edge of my perception of reality, looked upon the gaping maw that is the end of my "self" and decided I wasn't brave enough to accept that as truth. I still find peace and contentment in the idea that "I" will exist after death. Kudos to those of you who have embraced non existence and are at peace and contributing members to society. :)

Another must read: Loving What Is by Byron Katie

This is a must read if you are like I used to be, and live your life with regret, shame, guilt, or pain, and are always "shoulding" your self to death. "This shouldn't be happening" "That shouldn't have happened" "I should be doing this". Her approach is called "the work", and it teaches how to identify feeling states, and to recognize the underlying thought that is causing that feeling state. Yes, if you are familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy and the thought, emotion, action triangle you will have a head start on "the work". Her website www.thework.com offers free printable worksheets that you can use to do "the work" on your baggage.

WARNING: this way of life is directly in contrast with that of "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Meaning that since you are no longer concerned with how others think or feel about you therefore you no longer observe social niceties and go out of your way to make people like you. This can lead to relationship problems that may lead you to decide that you need to modify your own personal application of her "work" to your life.

Another must read: The Power of Now

This book, The Power of Now, by Eckart Tolle, unlike The Seat of the Soul and Sacred Contracts is useless in helping you form your believes about life after death or life before birth, but it is perhaps the most vital piece of information anyone will need to endure moments of unhappiness. Tolle claims that by living in the present moment, you can overcome all things and find peace and contentment. I've lost track of how many people I've talked to who said, "This book saved my life when..." As a mentor of mine says, "if you want to experience guilt, depression, or anger, live in the past; if you want to experience fear and anxiety live in the future; if you want to experience peace and contentment, live in the present".

 I must make a disclaimer before I offer my current opinion about whether Tolle is right in his claim that ALL things can be overcome through present mindedness: this is just an opinion, one that I have formed from my current experiences of living life according to his teachings for the last two years. Furthermore, following Tolle's teachings, I try my hardest not to identify with my opinions; that way, I can change them easily when they no longer suit my current world view/experiences. Here is my opinion:

There are some subconscious forces that, unless dealt with, prevent you from progressing in life. These unconscious forces arise from the past, and must be dealt with, in the present, but the past must be healed. Now as I said, you deal with it in the now, through hypotherapy or what have you, but it is a past force, the pain body as Tolle calls it, that must be dealt with. Simply breathing or asking yourself "I wonder what my next thought will be" may not prevent yourself from acting out the self destructive behaviors that get you fired, or arrested, or broken hearted, particularly if you have the Saboteur as one of your archetypes (see Sacred Contracts by Caroline Myss). Now I am open to the idea that I didn't live in the present perfectly, all the time, 24/7 for the last two years and that's why I experienced my Saboteur, but that's a pretty stupid argument, frankly. It's like saying, "Well if you had enough faith you would have been healed of your cancer. You weren't healed because you didn't have enough faith, obviously"

Again, I could be wrong; frankly it's not worth arguing about.

A Return to Love

If you have as hard a time reading A Course in Miracles as I do, then you will love A Return to Love, by Marianne Williamson. She lays out all the important principles from the Course, and in a very easy to read manner. The most important thing I remember from her book, remember that it's actually from the Course, is that in order to changer things about yourself that you don't like, you must first love and accept who you already are. Along the same lines from what Tolle teaches about how you can't declare war on your body, i.e. cutting at it, chemotherapy or what have you, and find healing. So if you don't like your weight or lack of muscle definition, you must recognize that who you are is divine already, and that energy of love and acceptance creates a much more lasting change than any amount of berating yourself in front of a mirror will do.

Another must read: The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav

I believe in serendipity. It's the major way I know that there is a higher, loving power, guiding my life. I was searching for some spirituality by reading my favorite LDS author, Hugh Nibley. In a book transcipt of a BYU course he taught, he said something like, "if you want to understand how god works, read The Dancing Wu Li Masters by Gary Zukav." I have no background in physics so I only made it through half of this book, which is Mr. Zukav's gift to the world; he also had no background in physics but was invited to attend some lectures on molecular physics back in the 70's and loved what he learned and this book is what he learned, sort of An Idiot's Guide to Molecular Physics. Anyway, in this book you will find the scientific underpinnings of the principles taught in What The Bleep Do We Know? and The Secret. I fell in love with the power of intention, and for the first time I became open to the possibility that things work, even if I don't know how they work (something Eastern Medicine has long accepted, but Western Medicine still rejects:) ) Anyway, a few months later, still searching for my spirituality, I went to see an emotional healer, something I wouldn't have been open to before reading Zukav's book. While I was there, I saw on her shelf several more books by Gary Zukav: The Seat of the Soul, The Mind of the Soul, the Heart of the Soul, and Stories from the Seat of the Soul, The Seat of the Soul being the first of them. Do you see the serendipity in me finding these books? Because I just ate up the Seat of the Soul. Even if you don't believe in reincarnation, which I didn't at the time I read this book, there is still a great deal to be gleaned from it, most importantly your appreciation for the divinity of your own soul. After Sacred Contracts, this is the second book you should read.
 P.S. After I finished this book, I was OPEN to the idea that reincarnation might be the way it all worked, but still didn't believe it. OPENNESS is a necessity in exploring your spirituality.

Everyone should read Caroline Myss' Sacred Contracts

If you haven't read Sacred Contracts and are exploring your spirituality, I would rate this book as your first MUST read.  This book helps you identify your unique purpose in this life, helps you come to appreciate your "baggage" as valuable learning experiences, and helps you feel a sense of control of your life's path that you probably have not felt yet. She explores Archetypes, Zodiac signs, and pre incarnation contracts. Everyone is here to learn different lessons, and there are certain themes that you will experience. This book helps you set out your starchart: a great personal holy writing:)

non exclusivity

Does life work according to the law of attraction as taught in The Secret? Or does it work according to present mindedness (mindfulness), as taught by many, including Eckarte Tolle? Is it an either or thing? Well, if you listen to, or read, a proponent of the law of attraction, they'll tell you that you create your own reality, and that you can make anything come to pass. If you listen to, or read, a mindfulness guru, they will say that you can make anything undesirable go away by simply staying in the present moment. In fact it's nearly impossible to have a rational conversation with either for this reason: they have personal experience that their way works. How can you argue with that?

I offer a different scenario: they both work, at different times, for different people, according to the overall theme and purpose of your life. For instance, I have known people that were able to manifest amazing things into their lives; therefore I know it's true. I have also known people that stay blissfully peaceful by living in the present moment; therefore I know that this too is true. What I am looking for is someone like me: who has had times in their life when they were able to manifest what they wanted, but can do so no longer for reasons I'll get into later, and who were able to stay peaceful by living in the present moment but then reached a point of stagnation because there are some powerful subconscious roadblocks, and must now live in awareness of the past, present and future.

I got tired of the exclusivity I found in organized religions so I explored some non traditional, mythical, or new age spiritualities. What I experienced was a spirituality that knocked organized religion for its adherence to dogma and exclusivity, while at the same time clung tightly to the teachings in their book and claimed that it was THE truth. I'm searching to surround myself with non exclusive thinkers:)